Two NUNS and Hot Dog

Two nuns took their first trip outside the convent. They had never
seen a baseball game, so they got tickets. Once inside, they sat in
the bleachers, and hearing a vender selling hot dogs, one said, "We've
never had hot dogs before," and they decided to order a couple.

The first nun unwrapped her hot dog, and proceeded to quickly wrap it
up again, saying, "Oh, my!"

"What's wrong, sister?" asked her companion.

"Well," came the reply, "which part of the dog did you get?"

Fishing and Rape

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up
north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn.
The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours
of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although
she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to
take the boat. She rowed out a short distance,
anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came
the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her
and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to
herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to
take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape,"
snapped the irate woman.

"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

Programmer as Husband ...!

Husband (A computer Professor) returning late from work:

Husband: "Hi dear. I'm logged in" 
Wife: Have you brought the grocery? 
Husband: Bad command or file name 
wife: But I told you in the morning ? 
Husband: Erroneous syntax. Abort, retry, cancel? 
Wife: What about my new TV ? 
Husband: Variable not found 
Wife: At least, give me your credit card. I need to do some shopping 
Husband: Sharing violation. Access denied 
Wife: It was a great mistake that I married an idiot like you 
Husband: Data type mismatch 
Wife: You are useless 
Husband: By default 
Wife: What about your salary ? 
Husband: File in use. Try after some time 
Wife: Who was in the car this morning ? 
Husband: System is unstable. Press ALT + CTRL + DEL to reboot 
Wife: Are you going to have some snacks ? 
Husband: File system full 
Wife: What is the relation between you and your receptionist ? 
Husband: only user with WRITE permission 
Wife: What is my value in this family ? 
Husband: Unknown virus 
Wife: Do you love me or your computer or you're being just funny ? 
Husband: Too many parameters ! 
Wife: I will go to my dad's house. 
Husband: This program has performed an illegal operation and will be terminated 
Wife: I'll leave you forever 
Husband: Close all programs and logout and then login as another user 
Wife: It's worthless talking to you 
Husband: Shutdown the computer 
Wife: I'm going 
Husband: It's now safe to turn off your computer

Dream...

A father walks by his sons bedroom and stops. He heard him say, 
 "GOD BLESS MOMMY, DADDY, AND GRANDMA. TA TA GRANDPA." 
The father did not know what the boy meant but he was glad his son
was praying. The next day he found Grandpa died.
That night he went to his sons room and heard his son praying,
"GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY. TA TA GRANDMA." 
The dad was scared but waited till morning. And sure enough Grandma
was died
That night he went to his sons room again and heard him praying,
" GOD BLESS MOMMY. TA TA DADDY." 
The Dad was really scared. He didn't sleep all night. In the morning he went
to the doctor to check him.
When he came home he saw his wife. His wife said,
 " THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, HONEY!!! WE FOUND THE MILK MAN DEAD ON 
THE FRONT PORCH THIS MORNING!!!"

Old couple and doctor

An old couple goes to a sex doctor and asked him to watch them
have sex. He watches and sees no problem and tells them
everything looks fine.

The next week, same thing happens. Same routine. The Doctor 
watches again, says everything looks fine. This happens a few 
more weeks and the doctor finally says... 
"I don't understand. Week after week you come here and I 
tell you everything is okay. Just what is the problem..."

"Well, Doc. You see,  we are not married, so we can't go to my house 
or to hers. The Holiday Inn charges 75.00$ and Hilton charges 120.00$.
We both retired and we don't have much money. You charges 50.00$ 
and Medicare sends us a check for 43.00$."

The Clergyman and the Kids!

A couple had two little boys, ages 8 and 10, who were 
excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble 
and their parents knew that, if any mischief occurred in their 
town, their sons were probably involved. 

The boys' mother heard that a clergyman in town had been 
successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would 
speak with her boys. The clergyman agreed, but asked to see them 
individually. So the mother sent her 8-year-old first, in the 
morning, with the older boy to see the clergyman in the afternoon. 

The clergyman, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger 
boy down and asked him sternly, "Where is God?". 

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting 
there with his mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. So the clergyman 
repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" 
Again the boy made no attempt to answer. So the clergyman raised 
his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and 
bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?" 

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and 
dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his 
older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?" 

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG 
trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"

I Love You Too!

A prisoner escapes from his California prison where he had been kept for 
15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it. He finds a 
young couple in bed.
He gets the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair, ties up the woman to
the bed and while he gets on top of her, he kisses her on the neck, then
gets up, and goes to the store room.

While he's there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is a
prisoner... look at his clothes! He probably spent a lot of time in prison
and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw the way he kissed your neck. If he
wants anything, don't resist, don't complain; just do what he tells you. 
This guy must be dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. 
Be strong, honey. I Love You!."

To which the wife responds, "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering
in my ear, "Mam! You are lucky, you have such a Young and Sexy Husband", and 
asked if there is any duct tapes to muffle your upcoming screams.
Be strong, Honey. I Love You Too!!."